The Process of Grieving

Hey Yall ♥

For those that do not know, I am in grief therapy right now through my church. It is the hardest class that I have ever taken in that it is truly eye opening. One thing about myself is that whenever I go through something traumatic, I tend to draw away from the world and curl up into my own shell. I have felt many times that I surely am the only one that feels this level of alone. I’m here to tell you that I was wrong for feeling that way. EVERYONE experiences grief in different ways. One way everyone’s grief is the same is that it is all painful.  I cannot tell other peoples stories for privacy and respect reasons but I will say that the people in my class are truly carrying heavy burdens.  There are moments when I am so sad for myself and other moments where the sadness in other people’s faces is almost too hard to bear. When I started going to class the leader was very kind and explained to us that we did not have to talk if we did not want too. That it was completely optional. This took so much pressure off me as talking about what I am feeling currently feels impossible. We watch a video on grief, how to deal with it, what is normal, etc, on the TV and then some people choose to discuss their loss before we go home. When I get out of class, I literally feel like this…..

Tonight, I got in the car, in the rain, and cried all the way home. It is so much easier for me to try to numb it all out, work myself to death, and pretend like it never happened. Because of this, I can truly say that I never dealt with my sister or brother’s death. I did not know how too nor did I know who to lean on that could identify with what I am going through.  I kept seeing a brochure for grief therapy at my church. I can’t tell you how many times I took one and never made the step to take the class. After my grandmother passed, I knew I needed to get help. I’m so deflated, tired, devastated, etc. There is really no way for me to exactly explain it other than the fact that I  need help dealing with a loss on this level. This class is the type that I am going to look back on and know that it is exactly what I needed during this time in my life. I have faith that it is. However, as of right now, it feels hard and emotional. It is not an experience I WANT to do weekly. It is one that I know I must to dig myself out of this awful trench that I am in right now.

In class, they talk about exhaustion a lot. They discuss how it is normal to feel you have to force yourself to do anything. What was once easy (like taking a shower) now feels completely daunting.

Some people lose interest in things they used to love doing. Others cry often and feel in complete despair. It was mentioned that those grieving may see people around them that cause them to feel like they are looking at their loved one that passed. There is a lot that I can identify with in these videos. My boyfriend is taking the class with me which I truly appreciate. It helps to have support when you are going through something painful.

As I go through this class, I would love to make some blogs on things that I learn and tips that I can give people about grieving. Tonight, I was thankful that the people in the grief video said that “no one can rush you through your grief process.”  I know that there are so many people that feel one should snap back, that sadness is a sign of weakness, and that anyone that draws out sadness is being dramatic. This is ridiculous guys and clearly anyone that feels this way has never lost someone they love. Grief is the price we pay for loving someone so much. Experiencing extreme sadness is normal when we love those that we love.

If you are going through grief please know how sorry I am. I encourage you to reach out to your church to see if there is a grief counseling class. And if your church does not have one, check others! I know there have to be more classes like mine out there. There are also grief therapists. You need a support group (even if it is just one person) if you are going through this.

My ♥ truly goes out to you. If you have anything you would like to share in the comments, know that you are welcome too!

Have a wonderful night!

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The Eclipse Photographs That Occurred on August 21, 2017

Hey Yall!

You would never know from the picture above (August 21, 2017) that an eclipse had just occurred !! My boyfriend was prepared for this day. He ordered special glasses for us to keep our eyes safe. In the moment, I did not appreciate it as much as I came to during the moment of the eclipse. It happened around 2 PM in the afternoon so it was BRIGHT outside.

As you can see, we had our stylish glasses on. It would not be an eclipse without us having our pets prepared. Below, Snuggs, our cat is modeling a pair of eye protection glasses.

And of course Daisy and I had to take a matching picture….

Want to see the eclipse?! Check out the pictures below that we took. Hope you enjoy! Sorry these pictures are late!

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Yummy August Bath and Body Words Finds! & SALE

Hey Yall!

I wanted to show you some yummy finds I discovered at the Dollar Tree yesterday! They were having a sale that was buy 3 get 3 free of candles and other items.   I unfortunately did not have the funds to do the sale but I did enjoy smelling all the candles and making a mental note of which ones were my favorites. Out of ALL of them, I would have to say that the Almond candle was my favorite scent. It was in this line of candles:

Another few fall favorites that I found were :

 

The “Heirloom Apple” candle smelled just like a barrel full of crisp apples. The “Leaves” scent was delicious and I believe had cinnamon in it. The “You’re The Bee’s Knees” scent was a warm vanilla and honey scent that would make any room smell amazing. These candles were a thumbs up!

“Blue Ocean Waves” is a very fresh, calming, and tranquil smell. It reminds me of a candle I would light when I wanted to relax and pretend like I was on vacation in a small beachy town. Who does not want to go to one of those right?

 

They had some cute sponges there as well! Above are pictured some of the ones that I saw. I think that the black swan looks so cool ♥♥

That is all I have for you tonight ! Hope you have a wonderful one and I will talk to you soon! Take Care!

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Easy Dollar Tree Candle DIY

Hey Yall

I wanted to show you how EASY it is to make this $4 TOTAL candle craft! Everything is from the Dollar Tree that you need. Below are the fame shimmer metallic tattoos that can be found at the Dollar Tree.

You will also need a glass candle holder, scissors, and a little electric (or real) candle. The candle I am using is a small electric one from the Dollar Tree  (two come in a pack).

Cut your images out that you want to put on the glass from the tattoos. BEFORE removing the plastic from the top of the tattoo sheet, make sure you know where you want to place the tattoo onto the glass, as it is very sticky once placed onto glass. Use a small damp sponge (one comes in the pack above) or washcloth to apply the tattoo onto the glass. Voila ! You are done! Be patient, take your time, and enjoy!

This idea came from Bargain Bethany’s channel. Please click here to see here to see her channel.

Hope everyone has a great day!

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August Target and Dollar Tree Finds

Hey Yall

I hope that you are having a good night. I am going to go crash soon and read my book. I am currently reading The Ice Twins by S.K. Tremayne . I have not gotten deep into the book but so far, the plot is very intriguing! I have a feeling this is one of the first books I have read that is going to psychologically bother me. If you have not read the plot I would encourage you to click on the title above. It will take you to the book on Amazon and give you a synopsis of the novel.

I made a trip to Target today and ended up picking up a few groceries. They had some REALLY cute stationary that I almost bought too much of. Originally, I had like 4 packs of cards, 2 stationary sets, etc. I did end up putting some back. I want to get better at using what I already have before I get more. It’s so easy to get addicted to retail therapy and completely forget everything you already have at home that is similar. I did take a picture of the stationary I saw but unfortunately, I think I accidentally deleted it. Sorry ! Instead, here is a picture of my buggy.

I ended up taking a few things out of that too but over all I got most of what is in there! The Vans waffles are really good I think. The ones I got are packed with protein. I also have some Amy’s burritos in there for lunch, some apples, Horizon milk, brown rice, light ranch dressing, cheese & spinach pizza, etc. I did make the pizza tonight and was honestly not all that impressed. I do love most of the items I got though! I will tell you that I picked up a pack of vegetable rice and almost bought it. I turned it around to look at the sodium and it was over 500 mg! Next to it was a packet of brown rice that had FIVE grams of sodium!!! I went with the BROWN rice !

I saw this coffee cup and thought the quote was so cute. I did not buy it but it was a BIG cup. I swear they are making coffee cups huge these days. (not that I do not understand why ha!) You can find some good coffee cups at thrift stores. My local Goodwill sells them for 49 cents I believe.

I am going to leave you with this poo poo emoji haha! This is truly how I feel the past few weeks have been. Out of all the emojis, this one has to be my favorite. Shit and I can just understand each other at this point in my life.

As always, thank you for following and loving my blog. Hope you have a wonderful night!

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Grieving and Everything Hurts

Hey Yall ♥

The one thing about grieving is that it can hit you at any time, place, or state of mind. I was laying in bed about to fall asleep and I was overcome with a longing for my grandmother. I miss her in a way I do not even know how to explain. No one prepares you for what it is like to lose your best friend. It is a feeling I would not wish on anyone, not even an enemy. I imagined myself talking to her tonight and her talking back. Telling her I missed her, asking if there was coffee in heaven (which she of course said yes), asking if all her friends were there (which again she said they were), telling her I loved her, etc. I imagined her in a white outfit, looking very healthy, on a beach walking in front of me. When she sees me she runs up to me and takes my hand. She wants to show me everything as she smiles excitedly. But I cannot go with her. At least not yet. In some way, she does seem to understand this. At this point, literally 1/4 of my boyfriends pillow is soaked with my tears. I feel God saying to me that He has her. That his angels are around me right now singing and comforting me. This I do truly believe is happening.

The fact is, there is no easy way to lose someone. I remember one of my co workers telling me after I lost my brother that it is normal to just feel everything. Some moments I may be fine and then others it will just hit me. My grandmother was not even like a best friend, she was a mom. You know when we lack something in our lives and someone fills that void, they are truly irreplaceable. There were all these gaps and cracks in my heart and she did everything in her power to fill them all in. When I felt I was ripping apart she would stitch me back together as fast as she could. And just to make sure I was OK, she would call me several times a day to make sure. When the bottom dropped out, she threw me down that rope and pulled me up.

If I could have saved her, turned back time, or done anything to make it easier I would have. There are five stages to grief:

Denial

Anger

Bargaining 

Depression 

Acceptance 

I know right now I am in the denial phase. Though I am grieving her, it comes in waves. I feel as if I am in shock and that I’m going to wake up, that she is still here. In time, I’m sure the sheer anger of her being taken will come. Most likely, I will completely turn the anger onto myself for not visiting more or being there for her more. I’m not sure what bargaining will feel like in that I know I cannot get her back. I feel like bargaining may come right before a person passes. I would have given my right arm for her to stay here. Literally. Depression I’m sure will come very natural as this tends to be my state of mind these days. And acceptance, in time, will follow all of this. I would not believe it but for the fact I have lost people before and been through a divorce. I’ve complete faith that this is an actual stage that happens when we least expect it. When our tears have run out and we feel as if we ourselves are one foot in the grave.  Relief comes as our memory begins to slip and our sadness starts to lighten ever so much.  It’s so discreet that it is hard to tell it has even happened until one day we look back and realize, it has. And that we have survived the entire process. If you are grieving, understand that you are not alone and that all of this is truly a painful process that we must go through. The preacher at my grandmother’s funeral said “we grieve because we loved so much.” It is true.

It is important to always remember that where there is pain, there is also a pen. You can always write down everything that is in your heart. I choose to share it on my blog and through YouTube publicly because this is what has always felt comforting to me.  I reach out to people because I truly need the support, as I have lacked it so much in my life. It may sound desperate but I have met such kind people through doing this that have sent me an immense amount of comfort. Even those that do not reach out I want you to know that I appreciate your prayers, thoughts, and time to come and hear my story.

If you are going through something painful, I recommend the song “Stronger” by Sarah Evans. It can be found in the link below. Though it is about a breakup, it applies to any type of grief we are going through. Click below to listen:

“Stronger” – By Sarah Evans 

Another good one is by Carrie Underwood called “I Will See You Again.” I will put this one below as well. Just click on the song and you will be directed to it:

“I Will See You Again” – By Carrie Underwood 

This was our last coffee together. Gaga always wanted a straw to go with her coffee ♥ I hope God makes her a lot of it in heaven. Take care of her Lord. She was my angel.

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Losing Her – The Most Painful Experience of my Life

Hey Yall

I am not sure how to even explain what I have been through over the past few days. Everything is really a blur.  I want to wake up and none of this have happened. I got a call on August 15th from my Aunt. I knew my grandmother had gone into the hospital for some tests and was not feeling well. However, I did not know that she turned critical until I answered that call. My aunt let me know she was headed down and that my grandmother may not recover.  Though my grandmother, “Gaga,” was very sick I knew that she had bounced back before. I could not wrap my mind around her not recovering. She had to recover, as she was the strongest person I knew. My boyfriend and I did both rush home, pack a bag, and jumped in the car. When we got there my grandmother had an oxygen mask on and I could tell was not doing well.

I did everything I could think of to do to make her comfortable. I brushed her hair, held her hands, and talked to her. She started opening her eyes some when my boyfriend and I got there. She would respond to my voice each time I talked to her and though she could not speak back, I knew she could hear me. We were waiting until my Aunt made it to take off the mask. I had this horrific feeling that she was going to feel miserable without the mask and that everything was going to go wrong. However, that is not what happened. When everyone was there and the mask was removed, she seemed to feel a lot better. She actually was able to say “yes” and “no” to questions. When I asked her if she wanted to go to Starbucks she said “yep.”   I told her when she got better we would go. Her vitals seemed to stabilize somewhat and after answering us some she fell back asleep.

When she was opening her eyes some what with the mask I did get to show her what a beautiful day it was outside from a picture on my phone. I truly believe heaven was getting ready for her beautiful soul.

My grandmother was later moved to a hospital room on a floor. The nurse mentioned the word “comfort care” which I hated. I felt like she was going to recover and that they should not call it that. Looking back, I am so thankful for the nurses who truly did make sure she stayed comfortable. Julie, my aunt, and I stayed up off and on through the night with Gaga. Other people went home due to exhaustion. Every time I woke up I checked to see if she was breathing. I slept sitting straight up and leaning over her bed. My boyfriend was next to me in the bed. I could have lay down but I chose not too. It seemed too far away. My aunt slept in a chair on the other side of her bed. There was a point in the night when my grandmother did start to struggle and reach out. Immediately, we called for meds which led to more meds. My aunt eventually looked at me with this look that let me know this was not reversing. There is no greater pain than seeing someone you love suffer. My grandmother, Laura Ann, was hands down the best person I have EVER known.

She took me in when I had no where to go, accepted every single path (as crazy as many were) that I went down, and took interest in me in a way no one ever has. She was a mom I never had, a friend I always enjoyed, and someone I confided in. “Gaga” LOVED to shop, go to movies (and eat tons of popcorn), and get coffee with me. I cannot explain the respect and love that I have for her and always will. She was authentic and loved the Lord. I am at peace knowing that when she passed, we were all in the room. We were laughing and talking about memories and she did not struggle. I also know where she is right now and that is with God, watching over us. She had the most beautiful  white casket and pink & purple flowers. Even the inside of the casket was pink! It was incredibly fitting for her as she loved roses and those colors.  I miss her and always will. We talked (she listened) over those few days at the hospital. I told her that it has been an honor, that I expected her at all of my future events like my wedding/kids/etc, how thankful I was to her for all that she had done for me, how incredible she was, etc. I played “I Will See You Again” by Carrie Underwood for her. My aunt and I hummed “Amazing Grace” on Wednesday night when she started struggling. We kept re positioning her so that she would be comfortable. We also played classical music and hymns, which she would have loved.  Everyone got there time to speak with her alone and say goodbye. She hung on until we were all looking away talking to each other in her room to go.

We took breaks in between of taking care of her. My boyfriend held my hand outside of the hospital, brought us coffee, helped my grandfather get home to rest, brought us back McDonalds (and me some healthy snacks),  spent the night at the hospital, brought back my grandmother’s false teeth and glasses to the hospital, etc. I am so thankful for him that he went through that with me. People show who they truly are in times like this. I’m very lucky to be with a person like him.

On August 16, my grandmother passed away in the afternoon. I wish I could change it for myself because selfishly I want to keep her in my life forever. But she made me who I am and had such an effect on everyone around her. Many people showed up to her funeral and she is buried in a cemetery that is absolutely beautiful. There are so many oak trees with moss all  around. I will enjoy going to talk to her and am at peace knowing that she was laid to rest there.  It is never our time someone we love passes but it is theirs. I pray that God takes care of her, makes her lots of coffee, and lets her come back to watch over us. Until I see you again one day Gaga…I like to think of you doing your favorite things up in heaven….

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Shabby Chic Wall Art For Your Office For Under $10

Hey Yall!

Hope everyone is doing good! I tried something new with wall stickers and wanted to show you what I came up with. I love the Dollar Tree wall stickers!! And they stick really well to surfaces which is awesome. I have used them as stickers to adorn my friend mail, as decor for my planner, and now as unique wall art! I have not seen this done before so I would like to believe I came up with the idea myself haha. First … let me show you the planner that I put my doggie wall art sticker on…

I mean can you believe the cuteness of that!? AH!!! I was so pleased with how it looked. I loved this little dog so much that I wanted to find another way to use him as decor. I had gotten an old frame from the thrift store for around $5. It had a canvas in it but we removed the canvas and will be donating it back. I just needed the frame. Below is what it  looked like to begin with:

I put the frame in a big box to prevent the spray paint for getting everywhere. I rarely if ever spray paint something. I will warn you that the smell is VERY strong and that you may want to consider getting a little mask to shield your mouth and nose. After putting a few coats of spray paint on, this is what the frame looked like:

The spray paint I used is located in the top picture. I only ended up purchasing the metallic silver spray paint which was around $2.50. I really love the way it turned out below. I am not done yet, as this is a work in progress. I want to add a few more wall stickers and possibly textures to it but let me know what you think!!! If you came here from my YouTube channel, Jenny Laura, a huge shout out to you! I’m so happy you are here.

 

Have a wonderful night and I will talk to you soon! 

Have a wonderful night and I will talk to you soon!

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I’ve Lost my Passion

Hey yall

Tonight, I just need to vent some of the things going on inside my head. In trying to decide if I should go back to school, knowing I need to make many doctors appointments, and feeling defeated before today has really begun…. this is where I am at. I am fighting the urge to make coffee just for the comforting smell of it. Part of me wants to curl into a ball and cry while the other dares me to move because my black cat that rarely sits still is at my feet. Animals just know. They really  do.

Do you ever need some kind of passion to come back. The kind that was raw, real, and convicting. I miss feeling so driven to pick up my camera that I could not handle it. I wish I still felt like I could not express the feeling without the ability to write it with light. What happens when you have lost your passion? Be it from heart ache, loss, or extreme sadness. How do you get it back or do you ever? These are questions that I have no idea how to answer.

 All I know is that I miss feeling like I have a purpose. I miss the strength that I used to have to fight the world. I miss being brave, strong, and resilient. I feel tired and weak. Everything that used to have color is now black and white. I can’t find hope or help and that scares me. Nothing is as I thought it would turn out to be. I never thought I would be divorced much less having to check it on every paper for the rest of my life. The list should say “single,” “married,” or “TAINTED.” That is how I feel every time I have to tell people I was.

Yesterday just felt sad, hence the vent. Thanks for listening yall.

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Cookie Dough Greek Yogurt

Hey Yall!

I recently purchased a new book from the Dollar Tree called Amazing Food Hacks by Peggy Wang. I tried one of the recipes and really loved it. It is called “Cookie Dough Greek Yogurt.”  I wanted to share with you how I made it and hope that you enjoy it as much as I did!

You first need 3/4 cup of plain Greek Yogurt. You can get either the 0% milk kind or the 2% milk kind. Since this was my first time trying this I just got the 2% milk one. After putting this in a bowl you will mix in 1 TBS (more if it needs to be sweeter) of honey, 1 TBS peanut butter (I used the Peter Pan honey creamy kind), 1/4 TSP of Vanilla Extract, and 1 TBS mini Chocolate chips. The recipe also states that if you want you can top with other crunchy goodies like granola!

The chocolate chips are the most important part 🙂

Hope you enjoy this recipe as much as I did!!

Have a wonderful night !

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